Oh, you Upper East Siders. I’ve begun to realize that drama and scandal are part of your DNA. You just cannot escape it. No matter where you go. Or who you get involved with. And all I can say to that is this: thank you!
Blair tagged along with a pregnant Dorota to her OB-GYN appointment. Last time I checked most employers don’t go to routine doctor’s appointments with the help. But I guess Blair and Dorota have a different kind of a relationship? Or could it have something to do with Blair wanting some answers for herself? B had a bunch of questions for the doctor. Like when was Dorota’s morning sickness going to end? How long until Dorota could determine the father of her child? Huh? What was up with Blair? And that’s when Dorota realized. OMFG Blair’s pregnant as well!
Soon, Blair realized that morning sickness isn’t just a myth – it’s a harsh, nauseating reality. But when no one knows you’re pregnant, you better keep your stomachaches to yourself. It only made matters worse that Blair had to be on her A-game since Louis’ sister, Beatrice, was in town and they were meeting for the very first time. Impressing family members was a must, obviously. So Blair put on a happy face to go shopping with Beatrice. Sadly, the entire time, she was in major pain. Everything, except Alaia, made her nauseous. But along the way, Blair did learn some stuff about her soon to be sister-in-law. Beatrice always wished her mother had realized she had two suitable children to take the throne. Not just one golden son. Although, back in the spring when it seemed like Louis was going to give up his title and Beatrice would be the queen, the Monégasque hottie actually hated all the responsibility. Too much pressure! She was relieved and overjoyed that it’d actually be Louis and Blair in the spotlight, making the decisions in the future. Being Harry versus being William – duh, we all know the answer to that one. Blair was partially glad to hear all this, slash, partially needed to find a trash bin to ahem, barf in ASAP. She couldn’t concentrate on anything that wasn’t puking. And that’s when Beatrice sensed something was going on with B. Perhaps a nasty drug addiction? Scandalous! But after talking to Dorota, Beatrice soon learned that wasn’t the case. If B didn’t have a drug problem, then she was clearly bulimic. Dorota confirmed this. Well, kind of. Blair was bulimic. But not anymore. However, Beatrice didn’t care. A bulimic was highly unsuitable for the throne! When Beatrice tattled about Blair to her brother, Louis said he knew everything about his fiancé already. Yes, Blair was bulimic in high school but that was years ago. Buried deep in the past. No need to worry. Yet Beatrice thought Blair was still unwell. And with all this added royal stress, it might worsen her condition. Louis didn’t want to hear anymore of it. But it seemed like Beatrice was out to prove him wrong. Uh oh. Seriously puzzled about Beatrice’s true intentions…
Meanwhile, Dan was on a search to figure out which publishing house had his book. He needed to stop them at once. The problem was that his only clue was the check Vanessa had sent him. Maybe there was a way to break into her bank account? How UES of you, D! So, Lonely Boy called Serena. Remember she had broken into Lily’s safe last year? Serena told him that was all Chuck’s work. Dan should ask him. Lonely boy looking to Chuck for a favor? Hath hell frozen over?
Dan reluctantly went to find Chuck, the only person who could help. But when Dan finally located him, he found the Basstard in a very strange situation. Chuck was getting beat up by two random guys in an alley! Something is rotten on the Upper East Side! But, after seeing Humphrey-Dumpty, the perpetrators freaked out and fled. Though Dan did get a glimpse of Chuck’s nasty bruise from the motorcycle accident. WTF was Chuck’s deal?!
Dan was actually worried. Shocking, I know. The Empire’s doctor came up to the room and sure enough Chuck was hurt. He had fractured a few ribs. The doctor was concerned. That’s dangerous and painful. How was Chuck not in excruciating, constant pain? Was he that heavily medicated? Dan believed he knew what Chuck was doing. It was obvious that he was just upset about Blair getting married. Dan told him he needed to get over her, for real this time. Besides, Chuck wasn’t even the last person Blair had kissed before Louis. Dan was! And that’s when Chuck admitted the truth: he had actually been with Blair. And unlike Dan, he didn’t just kiss her. His situation was more, uh, biblical.
Out in Los Angeles, Serena was excited to hang out with her cousin Charlie. Charlie, (or Ivy?) was not as thrilled. But she had to stick to playing the part. Charlie told Serena that she had gone to LA in need of a break from Florida as well as from her mom. Serena agreed that California was an awesome place for a respite. In fact, S was taking the semester off and staying in the golden state. Perhaps the cousins could live together? Charlie was freaked out. But Serena made a case; it was a tradition after all, two Rhodes girls in LA! History was repeating itself. Charlie thought it’d be best if she stayed put, but Serena insisted. So, the “cousins” looked at an apartment together and S thought it was perfect! This was the place for them! But since Serena left her checkbook at home, perhaps Charlie could use one of hers? It all came from the same trust fund anyway, right? So, Charlie grudgingly handed over a check to the realtor. It was the only thing she could do.
But then Charlie’s check bounced – oops – and she was flipping out. This could be the straw that broke the camel’s back – she could get caught! She needed to get out of town at once. Charlie convinced her boyfriend, Max, they should leave LA. They weren’t doing too well there and they were sort of unhappy. How about they start over again? In Portland! Yes, he could be a chef there and then they’d live happily ever after. But before Charlie could pack her bags, Serena showed up at Charlie’s. She knew why the check had bounced: Carol had cut her off. That bitch! This was unacceptable. Grandma CeCe would fix this. Charlie went along with Serena’s story – that’s exactly what happened, she told her concerned cousin.
Way in over her head, Charlie had to make a sacrifice. She broke up with her boyfriend. She wasn’t going to Portland with him after all. Max was confused. What the hell? And then Charlie admitted that it wasn’t LA making her unhappy, it was Max. Ouch. Fresh off her break up, Charlie was ready to move in with her cousin. But when Serena came to pick her up, she had a huge announcement. Turns out, Serena’s boss was just in LA for the movie. Her office was actually in New York. This meant S would be moving back to the east coast to work for her. And there was nothing she wanted more than for her cousin to join her. Was Charlie in? Charlie thought about it for like a split second and then agreed to it, of course. New York – if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere –and Charlie’s second time was about to be her charm! And with that the cousin Rhodes were heading back to NYC. Interesting!
All the while, Nate was busy trying to make a decision about where he was going to intern. Although it was hard to make such a decision when he couldn’t stop thinking about that mysterious woman from the party in LA. You know, the one he banged on the floor of the bedroom in the house he claimed to own? Yup, her. Well, Nate, naturally, had this lady on his mind. It was only kismet when he found her outside his mother’s townhouse. But the woman told him she was there to see Anne, not Nate. She was the new owner of the New York Spectator and was hoping to interview Nate’s mom for an article. The lady was definitely not interested in the younger Archibald.
But, Nate wasn’t going to take no for an answer. This meant he had to be resourceful. After his mom told the lady she wouldn’t do the interview, he convinced her otherwise. The woman, who Nate discovered was named Diana Payne, was impressed. Perhaps she owed Nate a finder’s fee. And in the world of the UES, a finder’s fee equals sex. So Nate and Diana did it in an apartment vestibule. And boy, was it hot. Still fanning myself over it. Don’t mind me. After their afternoon rendez-vous, Diana offered Nate an internship with the New York Spectator. It might not be a senator’s office but just look what George had done for JFK, Jr. Ooh, mixing business with pleasure? I like it!
Back in the Blair of it all, she was relieved that she’d be missing this year’s Feast of Assumption in Monaco. Although, B was in for a surprise when Beatrice announced that instead they’d be bringing the Feast to NYC. Yikes. At the Feast, Blair was once again feeling sick. All that food, all those smells, yuck. She tried to fake being well, especially in front of Father Cavalia, the priest who’d be marrying her and Louis, but to no avail. The more pastries she saw, the more she wanted to hurl. When Dan Humphrey showed up at the party, normal Blair would have told that outer borough-er to get the ef out. But Blair was in need of some assistance. She grabbed Dan and took him to the bathroom. He had one job and one job only: guard that door! Dan was concerned for her. He mentioned that he knew about Blair and Chuck having sex. Blair was startled. That Bass and his big mouth! But it didn’t matter – Blair had bigger fish to fry. Whatever Chuck was up to was not about her. He was the one who had given his blessing to marry Louis. NBD. And that’s when B started puking. Dan was alarmed. Could it be? Was she bulimic again? Maybe she should see a doctor—And so Blair was forced to admit the truth. She wasn’t bulimic, she was pregnant! Of course, right at that instant Beatrice came into the bathroom and heard all.
Blair begged Beatrice not to say anything. The only reason she hadn’t told Louis about the baby yet was because she didn’t want to get his hopes up. It was still way too early. When Louis approached the girls, Blair was ready for her fate to be sealed. Here it goes – Beatrice would surely spill the beans. But something surprising happened. Beatrice covered for Blair and didn’t say anything about the pregnancy. Beatrice’s nice? Okay…for now…
Or not. After the feast, Beatrice confided to Father Cavalia in a limo that she was pissed Blair was pregnant! She had hoped Blair was an addict or a bulimic or something that would make her and Louis unsuitable for the throne so she could reign instead. But this baby was going to impress her mother even more! They had to come up with another plan. Hmmm. And then Beatrice and Father Cavalia totally made out. Um, last time I checked a man of the cloth wasn’t allowed to go to second base…
Dan saw a blast of Chuck on this very site and it seemed like C was going back for more back alley beat ups. In typical Dan Humphrey fashion, he went to the location and tried to reason with Chuck. Oh, Humphrey, stop trying to save the day! Chuck told Dan the truth: he wanted to get hurt in the hope of finally feeling something. Because since he and Blair split for good, he felt nothing. Not a thing. Whenever he saw Blair and Louis together? Nothing. Crashing his bike? Nothing. Dan didn’t think Chuck was going about this in the right way. He could get seriously injured. Or worse, die! But then Chuck said something waaaay insightful: is being dead that much worse than being nothing?
After poking around the internet, Dan learned what Chuck was going through. It was called conversion disorder. It blinds, paralyzes and causes people to be unable to feel after a psychological trauma. Pretty obvious that Chuck was in fact hurting because of Blair’s engagement. Dan diagnosed that perhaps Chuck needed to start trying to feel good things. Oookay, thanks, Dr. Humphrey. Chuck seemed surprisingly grateful for Dan’s concern. Weird. And then Dan finally asked what he had been wanting to ask all freaking day: could Chuck help figure out what publisher had his book? Chuck was confused. Isn’t being published a good thing? Dan had to admit that the book was actually a scathing, social satire about everyone in their world. Including Chuck. Ah, Charlie Trout. Chuck agreed to it. Just because he couldn’t feel anything didn’t mean others had to go through pain. Was that Chuck being – oh I can’t even utter it – altruistic?
And in a surprising twist, Dan received an unannounced guest at the loft: Blair. As much as it pained her to say this, Dan was the only person she could talk to right now since he knew the truth about her. Blair admitted she was hoping denial would be the best coping mechanism but she could no longer do that. Yes, she had sex with Chuck once but she had had sex with Louis hundreds of times (go Louis!). It must be Louis’ baby, right? Right??? Blair could not believe this was happening to her. She was so close to having all her dreams come true. It couldn’t just end because of one Bar Mitzvah tryst. Dan thought she needed to find out who the father of the baby was – no matter what. But Blair was scared. What if she lost everything? And that’s when Dan told her she’d still have him. Even my ice-cold heart melted a little in that moment.
Oh, man. I am officially stuffed with scandal. And boy, did it taste good! Can’t wait for more servings of delicious, dramatic dishes. Who’s still hungry?
xoxo
