Eggs, bacon and pancakes…

Eggs, bacon and pancakes are the standard items on any usual brunch menu. But on an Upper East Side brunch menu the main item is drama. And boy was Bart Bass’ brunch today at The Palace Hotel no exception.

Ah, where to begin? Well, let’s start with the night before. Can you believe Dan Humphrey’s lame excuse of a goodbye to Serena? A wave? Really? Who does he think he is? Miss Brooklyn riding down Roebling on a float? Geez. The only thing worse than a wave is a high five and had Dan done that he’d have a one way ticket to Antarctica by now. If Dan really wants to keep a girl like Serena van der Woodsen around he’s going to have to do much better than, ugh, a wave. At least walk her to the door of the hotel. Do they not teach chivalry in Brooklyn? This kid has sooo much to learn.  

On the day of the brunch, Nate and Dan were surprised to find themselves both in search of a certain blonde vixen. But, alas, she was not home. The boys were forced to wait for her; side by side! A-W-K-W-A-R-D! And where exactly was our favorite girl? Serena was at Blair’s for their usual Sunday tradition: breakfast and Audrey. Too bad Blair wasn’t up for it. She told Serena she has new traditions now. Ouch! Oh, and Blair let Serena in on the fact that she knows Serena had sex with her boyfriend, Nate. Eek! Blair told Serena to stay away from her, her boyfriend and her friends. Serena was done here. Finished. Erased. You could cut that tension with a chainsaw.

Meanwhile, little Jenny Humphrey made her way uptown to Blair’s to ‘give back her calligraphy pens’. Ugh, what a lame excuse. These Humphreys need to work on their social skills because they are lacking. But unlike her dorky older brother, Jenny at least has some game. Blair invited Jenny to stay and help her get ready for brunch. She told Jenny about being part of this crazy Upper East Side world where people will talk. Does Jenny really want to be in it? Is it all worth it? That’s up for Jenny to decide. But while she deliberates, Blair let Jenny keep a dress made by her mother, Eleanor Waldorf. You better tuck that away in your LeSportsac, Jenny. Don’t want anyone to swipe it on the A train back to Brooklyn. You’d have to sell a whole lot of Girl Scout Cookies to ever be able to really afford an Eleanor Waldorf dress, J. 

Serena returned defeated to The Palace, only to find Dan still waiting for her (Nate must have left because unlike Dan he actually has a life). Serena was about to escape with Dan to somewhere far, far away from all the people who hated her when her mother, Lily, found her. Serena was expected to go to the Bart Bass hosted brunch. There was no way around that. Serena appealed but Lily was not having any of it. Their compromise? Dan could get his eggs benedict on at what was surely the most elegant breakfast he’d ever been to. This was a far cry from his local Williamsburg Diner where he was used to $.25 bottomless cups of coffee.

At the brunch, Nate finally got Serena alone and convinced her to meet him in Chuck’s suite to talk about everything that was going on. She reluctantly agreed, took Nate’s key to the suite and told him she’d be up in 10 minutes. In the mean time, being the horny devil that he is, Chuck gave Blair his suite key so she could finally (in Chuck’s words) “seal the deal” with Nate. Yes, you read that right. Two of Chuck’s suite keys were out in the hands of the two girls who could do the most damage with them. Oh, don’t you just love Sunday brunch? You never know what might happen…

Blair found Nate and told him she wanted to do ‘it’. Now. Nate, being a guy, jumped at the chance and fled with Blair. It must have slipped his pretty little mind that Serena was waiting for him… in the exact place he was about to go… When they arrived at the suite, Serena van der Woodsen was there in all her tall, blonde glory. Seems like this girl always gets in the way right when Blair and Nate are about to get down and dirty. The ultimate C-Block. Blair’s face froze when she saw Serena in the suite. What was Serena doing there? Who let her in? Serena and Nate tried to plead with Blair that they were meeting only to talk. But trying to defend yourself to a girl like Blair is pointless. Blair was fuming and there was only one way to get Serena back: to tell Dan all about how his dream girl had sex with her best friend’s boyfriend.

Serena and Nate raced off to find Blair before she could wreak havoc and divulge the big secret to Dan. What they found was Blair already talking to Dan along with the one person who was definitely not needed in this situation: Chuck Bass. Serena tried to stop Blair but instead it was Chuck who ended up spilling the beans to a crushed Dan. Chuck even took it to the next level by mentioning Dan’s sister, Jenny and their “unfinished business”. Lonely Boy didn’t like that too much so he showed off his aggressive Brooklyn tendencies and pushed Chuck into a waiter. The waiter and the mimosas he was carrying went crashing down to the ground causing a loud commotion for all to see. Everyone at the brunch gasped and stared at the scene; jaws dropped, cell phones abuzz. Just another Sunday afternoon on the Upper East Side.

Outside the hotel, Serena tried to stop Dan from leaving. But it was too late. Dan had already made up his mind. He was wrong about Serena. He knew she was from this world and that maybe she was different. But she’s not. Serena told him she’s trying to change but Dan didn’t want to hear any of it. He was over all of it.

As the sun started setting, one of my spies saw Serena walking down Madison Avenue holding onto her phone. And then she did the absolute craziest thing I have ever heard a girl do…she threw her LG Chocolate phone in the garbage! Can you believe that? What could she possibly be thinking? Has Serena gone mad? A girl can never live without her friends, her phone or her lipgloss. Oops, looks like Serena may be spending a lot of time applying her NARS wand to her lips since that seems to be the only thing she has left. What a cruel, cruel world.

So now we’re left to wonder what will happen to all of our favorite NYCers. What’s going to come of Blair? Has she finally gotten her revenge on Serena or was this only the beginning? And Nate? Is he going to remain loyal to Blair and keep his word he won’t talk to Serena? Or how about Chuck? He’s always up for a good game of ruin someone’s life. I’m sure he hasn’t had enough of torturing Serena yet. And what about Don? I mean, Dan. I mean, who cares? If he’s not with Serena then he doesn’t really matter, right? But we are still intrigued by one Humphrey: his little sister Jenny. It looks like she’s only steps away from being fully accepted by Blair and her crew. But will her alliance stay true to Blair? Or will she jump ship and support Serena? And last but certainly not least: Serena, herself. What’s a girl like her to do now? No friends. No phone. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This world is pretty hard to truly grasp. One day you can be on top of the city and the next you’re hated by all and thrown to the curb. But we’re certain this won’t be the last we see or hear of from Serena van der Woodsen. A girl like her is bound to have a comeback sooner or later. It’s your move, S. And you know who will be watching? Gossip Girl. 

xoxo

Spotted!

Spotted: The Palace is the place to be! D and J dropping S off in a cab outside the hotel. No word on if there was a goodnight kiss or what (will let you know as soon as I find out, promise!). C entering his suite with two female employees (meow!). Guess a black eye doesn’t ruin your game. Go Chuck! N sulking and drinking from a flask in the lobby. Wah, wah, wah. Also, B, K and I getting out of the limo at B’s place. K & I were texting away on their Chocolate cell phones while B looked absolutely livid. Why the long face, B? Was your perfectly planned night ruined by the appearance of a certain ex best friend? Don’t fret, B. Brunch is just around the corner. S wouldn’t be so unwise to show her face there, would she? We sure hope so! Because there’s nothing Gossip Girl loves more than scrambled eggs with a side of catfight.

xoxo

Gossip Girl’s head is spinning…

Gossip Girl’s head is spinning from all that’s happened in the last few days. (And thank you to all of my incredible sources. Couldn’t have done it without you!) From Serena van der Woodsen’s grand reentrance to the Kiss on the Lips party, Gossip Girl has been working nonstop. But I obviously took some time off to attend what is sure to go down as one of the parties of the year. Did you see me there? Of course you didn’t, because you don’t know who I am. Nor will you ever know. Thank you very much.

To get down to it, can you believe she’s back? Our beloved Serena van der Woodsen has returned after disappearing sometime ago. After arriving at Grand Central (couldn’t she have sprung for Amtrak?), Serena hopped in a limo and headed to the penthouse of her dearest and bestest friend Blair Waldorf. Blair and her boyfriend Nate Archibald were interrupted mid-devirginizing. Poor Blair, Nate jumped at the chance to greet his old friend Serena, leaving Blair half dressed and still a virgin. Guess you’ll have to keep waiting to find the perfect moment to lose it, B. It was hard to tell who was happier to see who: Blair or Serena. Did Blair even know her oldest friend was coming back? She did seem a little too surprised… Serena lasted at the party for a mere 5 minutes before rushing off mysteriously. Can this girl ever stay in one place for longer than like 10 seconds? It’s called Aderal, S. Might want to try it. Which leads us to wonder: where did she run off to? We can only speculate (trip to dealer for Oxycotin? Quickie with her mob boyfriend in Staten Island?). Serena van der Woodsen, you bewilder us all.

The next day at lunch on the steps of the Met, Blair told Serena she wasn’t invited to the Kiss on the Lips party. It was like the clash of the hot, superbly dressed Titans. Stunned, Serena demanded some QT with Blair at The Palace. Blair reluctantly agreed and the two gave each other looks so icy they could freeze hell over.

Meanwhile, our favorite new girl on the scene, Jenny Humphrey, was seen at Bendel’s looking for the perfect dress for the party. Word has it she called her brother, we’ll call him Lonely Boy, to help her pick out an outfit. That’s kind of cute yet kind of the dorkiest thing I’ve ever heard. Guess when you’re from Brooklyn you have something called family values? I’m unfamiliar. Supposedly, Jenny couldn’t afford a dress so she decided to sew one for herself. Santino’s got nothing on that girl.

B and S had a heart to heart over martinis at The Palace. It began to look like things might actually go back to normal for these two hotties. Oh, wait. Spoke too soon. Things could never be resolved that quickly and painlessly. Good hearted yet lacking certain brain cells Nate had to open his big mouth and ruin it all. He spilled the beans to Blair about a certain night last summer that helps explain a lot. What’s up with him and his honesty? Didn’t Nate ever learn that telling the truth is overrated and only gets you into trouble? It just so happens to be that when Blair was away at her mother’s country home, Serena and Nate hooked up. No, it wasn’t just a kiss. They did it. On a bar, nonetheless. Pretty classy, S.

While all of us on the Upper East Side were getting our makeup done at Elizabeth Arden for the social event of the season, Serena was heading to, omg it’s almost too hard to say, Brooklyn! Turns out, she went on a date with Jenny Humphrey’s older brother, Lonely Boy, who I guess isn’t so lonely anymore. His name is Don. I mean, Dave. Oh wait, it’s Dan. Gotta remember that. The two were going to see Dan and Jenny’s dad, Rufus, play with his band Lincoln Hawk (you can probably find one of their cassettes in the 99 cent bucket at like Sam Goody or any other record store that still sells audio tapes. Ugh, how early 90′s). But really, who told Dan it’d be a good idea to take a girl, let alone a girl like Serena van der Woodsen!, to meet his dad on a first date? Jeez, this boy has a lot of learn. The two actually appeared to be hitting it off, that is until Dan got an unexpected emergency text from Jenny. She was at the Kiss on the Lips party having a little trouble with our resident bad boy, Chuck Bass. Seems like Chuck was on the prowl for his latest conquest…or victim. When Dan and Serena arrived at the party, Serena ended up face to face with Blair. After an intense staredown, Blair walked off with Kati and Isabel in tow, leaving Serena all by her lonesome self. Guess things might not be going back to the way they were so soon…

Dan and Serena finally found Jenny on the roof of The Foundry. She was pleading with Chuck to get off her. In a crazy turn of events, Dan actually grew some and confronted Chuck. It was like watching Bruce Banner turn into the Incredible Hulk. Dan declared, “My name is Dan Humphrey. I’m in your class. And that is my little sister” before punching Chuck right smack in the face. I haven’t seen Chuck Bass with a bloody nose since the 9th grade ski trip to Aspen (damn altitude!)

Dan, Serena and Jenny made their way out of the party with everyone’s eyes on them, including a scathing Blair and Chuck as well as a sullen looking Nate. The three “outsiders” got in a cab and headed off to wherever it is kids from Brooklyn go.

Now we’re all left to wonder what is going to happen to our fallen princess of the Upper East Side? Where do girls who had everything go once they’ve lost it all? And what about Blair? Surely, she isn’t finished with Serena yet. Or Nate? Will he finally put Serena behind him and be the best boyfriend he can be to Blair? And Dan Humphrey…the first time he comes to a party and he ends up punching the one guy who doesn’t mind ruining lives. We’re sure Chuck will find a way to get the hipster from Brooklyn back. Watch your back, Dan. And finally, sweet little Jenny Humphrey. Tonight was her big chance to show she has what it takes to be in this world. Did she blow it? Or did she prove she could actually fit in? Always remember, you’re nobody until you’re talked about.

xoxo