Out With A Bang

Wowza. Our favorites sure brought the drama. And it was awesome. I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. And I don’t. Ever. I never report anything without proof. Remember: behind every rumor is some kind of truth. I promise 

Blair was MIA from the Constance/St. Jude’s gala. Where could she be? Chuck was looking all over the party. Had Eleanor seen her? Dan? Anyone?! Unfortunately for him, no one had any idea where she was. So Chuck went to the Empire with Nate. Perhaps B was there? But alas, no. Yikes. Though Nate filled Chuck in on the fact that he’d told Raina the truth about her father. You know, how Russell Thorpe, and not Bart Bass, had been the one who started the Kinberg building fire causing the death of Raina’s mother. Chuck was livid. Nate wasn’t supposed to do that! FAIL, N! But then Chuck got a call. From Blair. But it wasn’t a regular old ‘hey, what’s up?’ kind of call. Instead, Blair wanted Chuck to hear her talking to Russell about how he’d tricked her into coming to Chuck’s new hotel and now wouldn’t let her leave. It was Blair’s SOS and with that, Chuck was off to Brooklyn the fastest he’s ever gone to Brooklyn before.

In the building, Russell had Blair trapped. She didn’t understand. What was he doing with her? So Russell updated B on his plan: he’d turned the gas on and was going to burn the building down. With Blair in it. Just like before. Chuck took away the only thing Russell loved and now Russell was going to take away the only thing Chuck loved. Tit for tat, I guess. Blair pleaded with him. There was hope for Russell. He could find himself out of this darkness, like she had once done for herself. But sadly Russell was set on his pyro ways. Nice try, B. Though before Russell could set the place on fire, in stormed Chuck, Nate and Raina. Raina told her father not to do it. She forgave him. For everything. And well, that was all Russell had to hear to hand over the lighter. Too bad for him, though, Raina was totally playing her dad! She definitely did not forgive him. I mean, hello he murdered her mom! Anyway, Russell was going away for a long time and she wasn’t gonna be visiting him in the slammer. Ever. Woo hoo! You tell him!

Phew! Blair was saved. But she was pretty shaken up. Ya think? Perhaps Chuck could buy Blair a drink, help calm her nerves before she returned to the gala and to her prince. Blair agreed to just one drink. For old time’s sake. But when they went to the Oak Room there was a Bar Mitzvah taking place. And instead of heading to another bar, B and C decided to take part in the festivities. From the hora to the hamotzi, the pair danced and spread the mazel. L’chaim! But dancing’s not the only thing those two did. Blair and Chuck ended up finding a room and well, getting it on. Suppose dancing turned them on? Hotttt!

After shtupping C at the Bar Mitzvah, Blair decided to tell Louis it was over. She loved Louis but not the way she loved Chuck. Even though what she had with Louis’ light and happy, she and Chuck are a great love. It’s complicated, intense. It’s always going to pull them back in to one another. You can’t fight that, right?
So Blair and Chuck returned to the Constance/St. Jude’s gala. And there Louis was. Yep, still waiting. Poor Prince. Geez. Blair was ready to tell him they were over when Chuck stepped in and declared that they had his blessing. Chuck couldn’t be happier that the two of them were getting married. Wait, whaaaaaaat?

Blair was confused. Like the rest of us. Why did Chuck do that?! She thought they had decided on what they were going to do. They had the great love, albeit crazy love, they were meant to be. Chuck told B there’s a difference between a great love and a right love. Chuck left the Empire State Building two minutes after Blair didn’t show last year. And here was Louis waiting all night for Blair’s return. Blair deserved that kind of man, that kind of happiness. Damn it, Chuck, you’re so right! Blair and Chuck knew they’d always love one another. No matter what. And with that, Blair went off. To her prince. Fairy tale come true?

Okay, so you think all THAT’S wild and exciting? Just wait! While all the B/C dramz was going down, there were lots of other happenings occurring. Yessss! Serena and Vanessa were not the best of friends, but they decided they had to work together to save Dan from an off-her-meds Charlie. Bottom line: that Charlie girl was bonkers without her pills. Rufus had told them that the last time Charlie went off her brain candy, she was found walking around barefoot in the snow. Vanessa reminded her that Rufus also said she’d single white femaled her roommate (so I guess that’s not just an UES phenomenon). Anyway, when they arrived at the Constance/St. Jude’s gala, Dan was there but Charlie was nowhere in sight. Uh oh. Where could she be???

And what would you know? Guess who happened to be at the gala, too? Why, Georgina Sparks. She was there with her husband. Um, weird much? Georgina could tell the gang was up to something. And she was just dying to be included in whatever they were doing. Her life was sooooo boring. Being a mom, being a wife, blah. A scheme was just what she needed. Obviously, no one wanted Georgina involved. That would certainly complicate things. Sorry, Sparks.

Upstairs, Serena found Charlie in front of an open window and it looked like she was going to jump. YIKES! Serena tried to talk her cousin down. But Charlie stood her ground. Everyone thought she was crazy. Dan didn’t like her. She would never be like Serena. So Serena asked: Why would Charlie want to be like her? Being Serena van der Woodsen wasn’t as great as everyone thought it was. For example, Serena had run into Headmistress Queller earlier in the night. Queller was a bit upset to learn that Serena wasn’t at Brown. She always thought Serena was going to leave the city and find her place somewhere far away from this crazy UES world. But look at where Serena was now. In the city. Being the same old S. Stuck. Serena realized she hadn’t really made any choices. She didn’t choose her college, she didn’t even choose between Dan and Nate. Serena’s never made any of her own decisions because she’s never wanted to hurt anyone. But all she’s done is hurt herself. And now she’s all alone. Boo hoo. Serena didn’t understand why anyone, let alone Charlie, would want to be her. (Um, what about that hair, legs, wardrobe but I guess that’s besides the point). Luckily, Serena’s words got through to Charlie and she finally got off the ledge. Sigh of relief…

Charlie called her mom. Time to update her on the hell she’s raised? Well, kind of. Though instead of filling her mom in she just said that it all went perfectly. WHAAAAT? Georgina approached Charlie and told her she didn’t think she was ever on meds to begin with. Takes one to know one? Georgina knew there was something up with Charlie but she wasn’t going to tattle. She figured she was probably being shipped off somewhere soon. Aren’t they always? So Georgina gave Charlie her number. If she’s ever back in the city, she should give Georgina a call. It’s been getting a bit dull around the UES. Uh oh.

Meanwhile, Vanessa had left the gala and gone to the loft to see if Charlie was there. She obviously wasn’t since she was hanging out windows instead. But Vanessa found something intriguing. It was a manuscript called Inside that Dan had written. And Vanessa being all nosey read it. And it wasn’t just good. It was great. So she called Dan and told him. Dan couldn’t believe it. What the hell, Vanessa? Stay out of people’s stuff! Though Vanessa didn’t care because the manuscript was seriously the best satire of the UES since Bonfire of the Vanities. Dan couldn’t resist the compliments. But there was no way he could ever publish it. Everyone would hate him, especially friends and fam. Vanessa thought no one in the book looked worse than Dan himself. He seemed like he wanted in the whole time. Even more so than Jenny. Wow. That’s a lot then. Dan said he still couldn’t show the book to anyone. He’d be an outsider forever. Vanessa thought that the only way to be a true artist was to be an outsider. You can’t make good art when you’re on the inside. Dan needed to take a stand. Be a brave man. However, Dan wasn’t budging. His allegiances were with the UES. Vanessa couldn’t believe it. Didn’t Dan realize that he was a better person before he met Serena four years ago. Oh no she didn’t!? And that’s when Dan told Vanessa that he thought his life was better before she climbed up his fire escape four years ago. Ouch! Goodbye!

Three weeks later with the drama beginning to die down, everyone was making their summer plans. Looked like Lily was going to be staying in the apartment all summer. Being under house arrest’s so much fun! Sense the sarcasm? Though, it’s better than the punishment Russell was looking at. The papers were saying he could face up to twenty years. Daaaaamn!

Chuck was pretty upset over everything that happened with Blair. So Nate had an idea. Since Raina had gone back to Chicago, it looked like he and Chuck were bachelors once again. At the same time. When does that ever happen?! Maybe they could have a “Lost Summer.” Pick a place on the globe and work their way back to the city. Ooh, I like. And with that, Chuck and Nate spun the globe. No idea where it landed but dying to find out!!! Have fun, guys. Be safe. I am totally jealous.

With Lily under house arrest and Rufus producing Panic’s new album, the Hamptons house was also free. Dan thought it’d be a good idea to head there and have a nice, relaxing summer. And Eric could join him. Perhaps they could have their own step-bromance? Which will probably include a lot of Netflix watching, swimming and chasing the ice cream truck. But to each his own?

Though little did Dan know that Vanessa went behind his back to a publisher. With Dan’s book, Inside. The publisher loved it and wanted to publish it. OMG! While it would be published under “Anonymous,” Vanessa just knew the real author would come forward to take credit once it got big. But as for now, she’d be the one collecting the money. And where should the publisher send the checks? To Barcelona. Adios for reals, V? Who knows? That one’s a tease…

Meanwhile our favorite besties were going to spend the summer apart. Blair was off to Monaco to be with Louis. So romantic! Perhaps she and the prince would be having a November wedding? Ahh!! Please invite me!! While Blair was surely going to be having a very public summer, Serena was going to lay low in Montecito with CeCe. Stay off the radar. No bars, no boys. Serena knew she needed to make a choice and she finally had. She was choosing herself. Good for you, S. I’m proud. Really!

While in Montecito, Serena walked by a very cute guy reading The Beautiful and Damned. That’s S’ favorite book in case you’ve just started reading my blog like yesterday. Serena was surprised to find someone reading the book for fun. People in California only seemed to read books so they could turn them into movies. And that’s when Serena realized this cute guy was doing just that. Oops. But she could be of some assistance. Since she knew the book like the back of her hand, she could help with his task to do a scene by scene analysis comparing the book to the script. But before they could get to work, the guy’s boss arrived. And it was director David O. Russell. As in Academy Award nominated, as in directed The Fighter, Three Kings. Yeah, big deal. Anyway, David (bc we’re on a first name basis natch) was angry at his employee for not doing his work. Maybe this beautiful girl who actually read the book should take over the assignment. As well as the job. Wait, hold up. S got a job?!? With a famous director. Dying!

You’re probably wondering what happened to crazy cousin Charlie. I mean, just cousin Charlie. Well, she headed back to Florida on a bus. The city wasn’t the best place for her. But maybe she could come back one day? (When she’s sane perhaps?) Charlie got off the bus in Miami and Carol was waiting for her. And that’s when Charlie handed her a bag full of checks from the Rhodes Trust. Huh? And then Carol called Charlie… wait for it… Ivy. Double huh? Turns out, Carol had hired this rando girl and gave her money to impersonate her daughter. Whoa! Carol had to do it so her family would never come looking for her actual daughter. WTF?!?!?! As Charlie or Ivy or whatever her name is parted ways with Carol, she took out Georgina’s number. OMG what does that mean? Who exactly is this girl? So many freaking questions!

And just when you thought things couldn’t get any crazier, they did. But what did you expect? This is the UES! In the bathroom shared by Blair and Serena, there was a pregnancy test in the garbage. And it was, omg are you effing ready?, positive. WTF? Someone’s preggers????????????????????

Isn’t it awesome that our UESers never, ever let us down in the drama department. You guys really are the best. To my faves: I hope you enjoy your summers. Please get some R&R because surely you all deserve it. Plus, this way you’ll be prepared for fall. And I’m guessing by then you’ll be ready to shake things up once again. 

You know I love you all,

xoxo